Mood swings--up and down. Super excited and then extreme
anger. Stomping around the house. Screaming, "I hate you!" Arguing,
arguing, arguing and not letting ANYTHING go. Then sweetness...helping around
the house, telling me what a great mom I am, hugs and laughter. Sounds like a
hormonal teenager doesn't it? Nope, it's my 5-year-old. I didn't think I'd have
to deal with this stuff for at least another 7-8 years.
How is it that you can love someone so much it hurts and yet
at the same time feel like if you don't get at least a 3 day break from them
you're going to lose it?
How is it that the beautiful little cherub you gave birth to
(or chose for your own) now seems to be possessed by the devil?
How is it that within a 5 minute span she can go from being
possessed by the devil to being the sweetest little angel this side of heaven?
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. I know she's not
possessed--at least not by the devil. I would say the flesh has a pretty strong
hold on her though, just as it does with most of us. My husband says it's
payback for what I put my parents through. I admit I was moody--my mom wrote it
in my baby book at the age of 3. I just don't remember it being this extreme.
Since I do remember dealing with anger a lot though, I try to give her some
space when she is heading down that road. However, it is getting to the point
where there is disrespect that just can't be tolerated. So recently while staying
at my in-law's house, I noticed on the bookshelf in our bedroom that they had a
title that seemed to beckon to me and offer some hope. I asked if I could
borrow it and at the same time questioned my husband why his parents had this
book, maybe our 5-year-old's behavior is payback for what he put his
parents through?
Dr. Dobson's The Strong-Willed Child has been the
reading material of choice in my spare time for the past couple of weeks. If
you look at the cover it may seem out-dated, I mean Dr. Dobson's hair still has
color to it in his picture and Ryan and Danae are still kids as he shares
examples from his own household. It was printed in the early 80's and yet I'm
fascinated by the analysis he gives of other child psychologists' conclusions
on discipline. Even back then, a lot of it was just a bunch of baloney.
Parents tend to swing one of two ways when it comes to their
discipline style; they're either strict and have no flexibility to let their
kids be kids or their homes are a free-for-all where the kids are allowed to
decide everything and as a result run the household by their every whim. I like
to pride myself on being somewhere in the middle. I spent years in school
studying early childhood and experiencing it as I taught pre-school and helped
run a daycare and a Boys & Girls Club. I like to think that I have an edge
on discipline that maybe other parents don't have. Angel-face likes to remind
me that just isn't so. Everything I learned in class can go right out the
window in the face of a melt-down. It's hard to not give in to my own temper
and I find myself using the threat of a spanking to mold her will to mine at
every turn.
I have friends who don't see any logic in using a spanking
to teach a child, for example, that it's wrong to smack their little sister. I
can definitely see where their argument comes from. After studying young
children though, I also know that they don't have the cognitive skills to
reason with them and logic isn't a tool that works well with a pre-schooler.
They can only fully understand what they can experience. That's why I do see
logic in spanking when the child has already been told not to hit their
sibling. If they get a swat to the behind you are now able to say, "That
didn't feel good, did it? It doesn't feel good to sister either when you are
smacking her." While there is the big debate on spanking raging on out
there, I don't mind saying that I believe it has its place if used correctly.
The problem is being sure to use it correctly. That is what I have appreciated
most from Dr. Dobson. He agrees and he gives guidelines for how to use
it correctly.
· There
needs to first of all be a balance in the child's environment, "wherein
discipline is evident when necessary, but where it is matched by patience and
respect and affection." (i.e. "molding the will" vs.
"protecting the spirit") [pg 74]
· The
purpose of spanking is to inhibit harmful behavior, "rather than a
wrathful attempt by one person to damage another."
· Define
the limits for your child properly--make sure the boundaries are too obvious to
be missed before they are to be enforced [pg 71]
· "It's
impossible to discipline properly until the parent is able to interpret the
child's intent. Corporal punishment should occur only in response to deliberate
disobedience or defiance," not for childish irresponsibility. [pg
71]
· Respond
decisively and confidently in the face of willful disobedience [pg 31]
· After
exercising your right to lead your child, spend time to teach and reassure them
and even spend time in prayer with them. In other words, make sure they
understand why they were disciplined, remind them of what is expected and then
love on them. [pg. 33]
· Avoid
impossible demands--is what you're asking of your child age-appropriate or even
physically possible for them? [pg. 33]
· Spanking
should not be used before 15 months and should be mild and infrequent at this
age.
· Spankings
should be administered with a neutral object, rarely with the hand. The hand
should be used for love not punishment. Also, if a neutral object is used, the
child never needs to fear that they will suddenly be punished. [pg 46]
· Spank
immediately after the offense or not at all. Young children do not have a long
memory and it is not fair to administer punishment when they no longer remember
what the offense was. [pg 47]
· Yes,
a spanking should hurt or "else it will have no influence." It is not
necessary to lash or whip though. There is a definite difference between a
properly administered spanking and child abuse. [pg 47]
So at my house I'm going to be working on myself as well as
Angel-face. I know that there are times I have disciplined incorrectly. There
have been times I gave punishment when there should have been mercy and there
are times I am lackadaisical when I should be on top of it. I know that I need
to stop threatening a spanking every 3 minutes, especially if I'm not going to
follow through on it. And I do need to follow through on maintaining the
boundaries. It's not making life easier for her or me to enforce the rules
today and then let it slide tomorrow. Parenting is hard and requires a LOT of
time, resources and energy. It will be worth it though when our children
"arise and call us blessed." (Proverbs 31:28)
A couple of other great scriptures to remember are Ephesians
6:1 & 4 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is
right...Fathers, do not exasperate your children..." and Colossians
3:20-21 "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the
Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
There's that balance Dr. Dobson starts out talking about, discipline AND love!
Now it's dad's turn to read the book.